101 Funny Facebook Statuses Explained That’ll Make You Smirk!

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If you’re a social media guru, you’re quite familiar with friends and family posting ridiculous status updates from time to time. Ones that make you shake your head in dismay, laugh out loud, giggle mischievously, or stare at with awkward revere. Whatever the case may occasionally be, they all make us laugh in retrospect and are great conversation starters.

Admittedly, finding funny Facebook statuses isn’t entirely hard. All you have to do is randomly skim through posts by either searching through your very own friends’ walls, searching for tags, or randomly taking a peek at various strangers’ statuses.

Finding statuses that bring some kind of emotion to your own state of being can be fun, so here are ten statuses that are sure to cause you to smirk in satisfaction and make you glad you’re not them.

1. Fast Food VS Religion: The Ultimate Test

Status: “If Chic-Fil-A was REALLY Christian, they would deliver. Jesus brings deliverance, does he not?? Deliver my salvation with a side of waffle fries please.”

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We’re pretty sure that’s not the type of deliverance Jesus promises his followers, but this status is funny never-the-less. If you’ve had the privilege of trying out Chic-Fil-A’s flavorful food, you’d probably agree that it’d be great to have them delivered directly to your door. Their waffle fries are yummy, their chicken sandwiches are perfection, and in all honesty, I’d die without their delicious vanilla ice cream.

Unfortunately, some of us are highly disappointed in the company’s religious-fanaticism, as they won’t serve anyone with ties to being homosexuality because it is a Christian business. They’re even closed on Sundays, that’s how religious the company is. It’s a pretty messed up scenario from some people’s perspective, because all Chic-Fil-A really is – is a fast food restaurant. Apparently gays aren’t worthy enough for their holy chicken sandwiches. They must have a priest come and throw holy water on all their burgers.

Well, there isn’t anything anyone can really do about it. Protests have come and gone, but business owners are allowed to do business however they like. This apparently includes excluding types of people. So, the next time you see one of their advertisements featuring a cow wearing a sign that says “Eat More Chikin,” you can either be a hungry chicken fanatic or begin boycotting them for their crazy rules about failing to feed homosexuals. Either that, or simply complain on Facebook about how they need to have a delivery service since you’re too lazy to go grab some chicken sandwiches and waffle fries down the street.

  1.  Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
  2. That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
  3. My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat “less pizza”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
  4. The best feature of the iPhone is the feature that keeps you from getting pushed in the pool.
  5. I hate it when I’m singing along to a song and the artist gets the words wrong
  6. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police
  7. You know you’re getting old when the guys from the “cialis” commercials are starting to look hot.
  8. Women love the winter because they don’t have to shave their legs. I think it’s time for me to shave though…my giraffe tattoo has a mustache!
  9. Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
  10. Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like
  11. status: I can’t log into Facebook
  12. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
  13. Warning!!! Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy, beautiful people!! Don’t worry…you are OK. I just wanted to say “good-bye!”
  14. Our phone falls, we panic… our friends fall, we laugh.
  15. Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry
  16. I don’t care if my fingers break off, I will NOT make two trips to carry in 70 bags of groceries!!!
  17. I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life’s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
  18. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  19. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?
  20. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  21. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  23. Some people hear voices… Some see invisible people… Others have no imagination whatsoever.

2. Baldie is Clueless Enough To Agree

Status: “Looks like I’m shaving my head again. Thank you lady for completely cutting my hair wrong. Thank you for not knowing what a centimeter is.”
Comment: “You shoulda whipped it out and showed her what a centimeter was.”
Reply: “I should have.”tumblr_nkyk5riyEz1uocnvjo1_1280

This guy just wanted to express his frustration with his barber. In his picture, it looks like he’s no older than 12 or 13. So when another guy comments on his status, telling him to whip “it” out and show the barber what a centimeter is, it’s understandable that the kid has no idea what “it” is referencing.

Sometimes naivety is a useful, funny, and sometimes a cruel trait of the youth. In this case, it was cruel to him. And yes, the commenter was referring genetalia. The boy responsible for the status completely spaces that it’s a reference to this, and ends up replying “I should have,” unaware that he is in fact, dissing himself and telling the world he has a one-centimeter penis. Yes, I said it. Luckily for us, it has successfully supplied us as well as others with a few little giggles and smirks.

So, how do we take a rather harmless status and flip it around to reference genetalia and create inappropriate laughs? Simply reference size. Works all the time. If you had seen this status and the responses, what would you have posted?

EarthMotherJustMeansI'mDusty/Facebook

NomadMomDiary/Facebook

rachel.schinderman/Facebook

therealbadsandy/Facebook

AbbyHasIssues/Facebook

thedaddycomplex/Facebook

3. Stop Sharing Your Nonsense with the Rest of Us

Status: “If you need to cry just use a tissue, not your Facebook status.”

funny facebook status

Thank you! I clap at this status. We’ve all seen those status updates where someone is consistently complaining about something in their lives – how they’re not good enough; how their lives are just horrible; how they’ve broken up with their significant other; how the world isn’t fair; etc. and so-forth…

Well, we toast this status. The whole world doesn’t want to know about your personal problems. In fact, that’s what best friends and family are for – not the entirety of your collection of Facebook friends. Social media has become a haven for releasing emotions and starting drama. Sometimes, if you post something that’s too personal and involves someone else, a status war erupts and drama is unleashed as all your friends bear witness to how pathetic you can be using the internet as a punching-bag platform.

News flash: Expressing your inner most thoughts and weaknesses on the internet does nothing but make you look feeble and helpless. People will block you. Maybe unfriend you. You’ll become the boy or girl who “cried wolf” and when you really are in desperate need of someone to help sooth your personal pains, no one will want to because they’re already sick of hearing everything on your social media updates.

So, remember that Facebook and Twitter statuses aren’t a therapy session or a place to search for sympathy. In fact, you’ll probably end up getting some mean people commenting on your status if you spill the beans on social media… Therefore, “If you need to cry, just use a tissue…”

4. Not Quite How Dr. Dre Pulled It Off..

Status: “‘I’m going to school to be a doctor. I mean, I’m probably gonna make a living as a rapper but I want to have a back-up job.’ – Girl standing in line at PTC book store.”
Comment: “Dr. Dre did both.”
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First of all, Dr. Dre did not do both. Second, this Brandon fellow updating his status to quote a girl in line at a PTC book store really is awesome sauce. It gives you a bit of insight into just how silly and unconventional the youth of the world can be these days. I wonder what book she was buying… a doctor’s handbook or the Idiot’s Guide to Gangster Rap?

Whatever the case, I don’t think anyone in their right mind would get a doctorate’s degree as a “back-up job”. Becoming a doctor takes at the very least, eight years to accomplish assuming that you don’t attend many summer classes. While this girl is studying to be a doctor, does she plan to write lyrics about physiology? Disease? Microbiology?

She won’t have time to attend rap battles at the clubs in down town. She’ll be studying for tests and learning how to handle human anatomy. That is, if she takes being a doctor seriously. Otherwise, she’ll fail her classes but become an incredible rapper. Assuming she gets signed.

And this Jared guy… He hasn’t done much research on Dr. Dre. Just because he has “Dr.” in front of his nickname of “Dre” doesn’t mean he went to college and got his doctorates. In fact, he got horrible grades in high school which is what pushed him into the music industry. Brush up on your music history and facts, Jared, before you go and make embarrassing comments about your favorite rap artists.

5. This Guy Needs Cookies-And-Milk Therapy

Status: “Did you grow up in an Oreo cookie-loving family?”
Comment: “I grew up in an abusive family.”
cespur.tumblrOreos! If you enjoy sweets, you’re bound to love Oreos. They’re many kids’ favorite cookie, especially dipped in milk… Mmm… I definitely have friended the Oreo cookie company on my social media accounts. And what a cute question – why yes, I did grow up in an Oreo cookie-loving family!

But there always has to be that one person that just ruins the cuteness of the question. Mike just had to throw in his two-cents and make a comment that can ruin people’s moods – a comment that shouldn’t be shared on an Oreo post on social media. So, you grew up in an abusive family? I was just thinking about cookies. Want me to send you some cookies and milk to help with your apparent depression?

This is a great example of “If you need to cry, use a tissue… Not your Facebook status.” Now, go get some real therapy and don’t bring the rest of us down.

 

6. A Krypton Family Debacle

Status: Superman “thinks that being the last son of Krypton is a great responsibility, but one that I’m proud to bear.”
Comment: Superboy “More like last-and-a half, dogg! LOL”
Comment: Zara Zor-El “Hey cuz! Finally made it to Earth! Can you maybe help me move next week?”
Comment: Power Girl “Kal, you are not going to believe what I just found out! I’M KRYPTONIAN TOO! It’s got something to do with parallel dimensions or whatever but it totally makes sense.”
Comment: Lor-Zod “Hey dude, FYI: Mom and dad are going to break out of the Phantom Zone again next week.”
Comment: Krypto the Superdog “WOOF!”
facebook_status_quotes_funny_5How amazing is this post? An entire conversation between super heroes on social media, all of which are part of the same intergalactic family! It’s not every day you get to witness superhero family members using slang, talking about moving through outer space, discovering new relatives, talking about mom and dad, and even the dog having something to say!

This post is especially awesome because Supergirl has recently come out and is becoming a hit with the ladies of the world, enlightening them of their inner strengths and the reality that yes, women can be super heroes.

We’ve all seen and heard of Superman, know about the classic comics, have heard remnants of the story behind how he came to be (you know, was sent here by his parents as a child because his planet was being destroyed). Even superboy has a similar story. And now, on popular television, we witness the story of Supergirl.

But back to the conversation. No Superman, you are not the last Son of Krypton. You aren’t the last of the Kryptonites. Not even in the comics! Sorry to burst your bubble, but you need to brush up on your own history and your own family tree. There are others like you (in this fantasy world of amazing comics and movies) and you’re going to have to help them control their powers!  That is, if you continue to be a good guy.

7. Politely Asking for Your Death

Status: “I don’t like you please die in a fire.”
Comment: “That’s not nice.”
Reply: “I said please.”
funny-Facebook-status-I-Said-PleaselAha! For those of us with a more morbid sense of humor, this status and reply is fabulous. Some of us have that little spark of evil that every so often comes out to taunt the universe, and this is a lovely example of just that. Short and to the point, this Ashley girl speaks her mind, making every word count.

It makes me wonder who this other person is, how they relate or know this Ashley person, and what exactly did they do to make her want them to die in a fire? Fire has got to be one of the worst ways to die – until all your nerve ending burn away – but let’s not think of that.

You can tell some people don’t appreciate the sheer honesty of the post; the sincerity (yes, I speak with a touch of sarcasm).  John apparently doesn’t see this comment as very nice, but trust me, Ashley could have said much, Much worse. She could have named the person she’s talking about – that would have definitely started a social media drama war. She could have failed to say “please,” which she just so happens to point out after John made his snarky little comment.

If this post didn’t make you smirk just a little, then you’re probably someone that doesn’t appreciate morbid humor like the rest of us. No worries, there’s plenty of hilarity to go around for people like you, too.

8. Intrusive Mom Alert!

Status: “This is Jordan’s mum. I just read all the inbox messages and bullshit. He been writing and I’d like to apologize on his behalf. If he gives anyone cheek or any rudeness to girls just inbox me and I’ll video him crying and apologizing and post it on his wall. He ain’t no bad man and he ain’t no ladies man so please ignore him… But don’t get it twisted boys, if anyone touch him or bully him you will get lick’s too 🙂 from Charlene.”
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Never give your mother your social media passwords. That is, if you can help it. Especially if you’re a jerk like this apparent Jordan guy is. Really? His mom had to apologize for him on social media over “bullshit” and “rudeness”?

Not cool. Jordan, don’t use social media to be rude. Don’t use social media to spread bullshit or talk mean to girls. If you’ve got something horrible to say, say it to a person’s face, otherwise you’re just a sad little human being that doesn’t know how to properly handle problems and loves sulking in their own drama. And especially don’t let your mom get into your account.

I’d love to see this Jordan fellow crying and apologizing on social media. It makes me wonder how old he is? I hope young, since his mother is also making threats on his behalf! “Don’t get it twisted boys, if anyone touch him or bully him you will get licks too :)” Oh how horrifying for this poor guy. His mom making threats on his own account. I bet he was made fun of the next day.

One thing I have to point out is the horrible grammar of the mother. Yikes. I thought parents were supposed to be role models? What did Jordan’s friends think? And by posting on her own son’s social media, she’s kind of teaching her kid to pry into privacy; teaching him that it’s okay to be an evil privacy ninja. There’s just so much wrong with this funny facebook status.

9. Stolen Romance Via Sarcastic Comments…

Status: “I couldn’t possibly be happier right now. For the first time in my life, a girl told me that she loves me.”
Comment: “Aren’t moms great?” 47fd13235d28c37a555205f90ed36509

This poor guy totally had this coming. He decided to share a sentimental moment on social media, and look where it got him… A lovely little rude comment made by someone with a sarcastic frame of mind. If he was searching for people to congratulate him, he definitely got it. Just not quite in the form he was probably expecting.

He does mention that he couldn’t be happier in that moment. Perhaps the comment didn’t affect him. But you have to admire the quick wits of the commenter, totally dissing his helplessly romantic friend. It’s almost sad if you think about too long. I mean, let’s just hope that this girl was actually the second that told him she loves him, because if his mom never said it to him, then he’s one of those guys that probably does need some therapy.

Looking past the mother comment, I do feel happy for this guy. I’m just curious as to hold old he is. Hopefully he isn’t in his late twenties or thirties… or forties for that matter… It’s cute, but commenting about your love life on social media isn’t the smartest thing you could possibly do. You’re always going to get those sarcastic comments from people who are either jealous of you or don’t respect the concept of love. Or, your significant other will see your comments and be horrified (if you’re lucky, they’ll be happy).

So, save the love statuses for more personal, none-social-media conversations. You’ll spare yourself nasty or silly comments from “friends”.

10. Solving Anger Management Issues

Status: “I sometimes wish I could grab people and shake them, and scream ‘WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?'”280bd16f6553ed13b51bc037786cf582
Yes. Who doesn’t want to do this? Seriously, who has the ability to admit that they’ve never wanted to ask someone what was wrong with them because their opinions were just so wrong or so skewed or based off of some unfathomable “facts” that they read on Facebook? I know I totally have wanted to do this a few times in my life, what about you?

Now, of course, doing this would probably get you sued for battery or assault, so it’s definitely not a great idea to actually go through with it. But as a social media status, it’s fabulous. It puts distinct images in my brain of myself actually shaking someone I can’t tolerate and screaming “WTF is wrong with you?”

What’s your tipping point? Ignorance mine, but some people can’t stand others that constantly talk and won’t shut up, or people that chew bubble gum too loud, or maybe people that agree with everything they read on the internet. Sometimes it’s hard to watch young kids stare at their mobile device’s screen 24/7. They’re the ones I want to shake and scream “Go outside and play in the sun like I used to do as a kid!”

Whatever the case may be, know it, just so you know when to walk away instead of contemplating how much you’ll get sued for actually shaking someone and screaming in their face. Or, you could go the non-traditional route and actually carry out the action and seek professional help so that it’s impossible for people to sue you! Awesome! In any case, we salute you amazing Facebook status. You make us all happy that we’re not the only ones suffering from anger management issues that cause us to want to scream in people’s faces while shaking them angrily.

SO…

There you have it! We hope you’ve enjoyed these 100+ fabulous funny Facebook statuses and encourage you comment below on any funny ones you’ve witnessed recently!

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